simianfever

Each year, in the days leading up to the Superbowl, the surprisingly accurate Artificial Intelligence that is the Madden 2010 football engine simulates the contest, with the most up to date rosters, and predicts a winner. And before you laugh this off, all you non-gamers, know that since EA starting calling games this way in 2004, the all-seeing Madden has been wrong only once: that’s right, they couldn’t foresee the Giants improbable upset victory over the New England Patriots, by the slimmest of margins in 2008.

This year Madden 2010 predicts that the Saints will win their first Superbowl, beating the Colts 35-31 in yet another classic. In fact, according to Madden 2010, this is going to be one for the ages.

Read the details here at IGN.com, where they break down the whole game.

With all the bullshit “analysis” flying about like so much thrown feces, trust that now, more than ever, EA’s Madden NFL Football provides better insight than the monkey media, all in the emotionless language of binary code. I’ve been playing Madden for something like 20 years now - which I realize is so very sad, writing those words: but hey, some people do crossword puzzles, I play motherfuckin’ Madden - and in the nearly two decades of playing countless games, through countless seasons of simulated football, I have always been amazed with how accurate the game tends to turn out. For example, since the advent of player progression, as the seasons pass, you’d be amazed how unproven rookies end up advancing in the game parallel to their real life careers. Speaking of the Saints, their all-time leading rusher, Deuce McAllister, advanced dramatically when he was a rookie in an old version of Madden, all based on some potential they built in for him. Foresight.

And that was back then, when player progression was a educated guessing game. Now, rosters can simply be updated, virtually week to week, with the latest player ratings based on their most recent performances. And with more of said ratings, which determine each player’s ability in the game, than ever before, the Madden NFL doppelgangers practically mirror their real life counterparts on the virtual gridiron. In fact, with Madden’s massive popularity, even amongst actual NFL players, the whole ratings system has become a highly scrutinized part of the game. Players often have beef with their ratings in the game, like TJ Houshmandzadeh did when Madden 2010 came out this past August.

Also, Jay Cutler’s penchant for throwing ill-advised passes to the opposing defense is absolutely “in the game.” Trust me on that. And on that note, strictly from a visual standpoint, Madden 2010 is so accurate they even managed to recreate the surly puss that is perpetually plastered on Cutler’s face; you know, the one that is begging to be slapped the fuck off.

So there you have it. Madden says, “Saints 35, Colts 31.” And I’m telling you that Madden is as good a prognosticator as any of the babbling jerkoffs on the telly.

You’re not actually gonna listen to what Chris Berman, a man who shills for both Nutrisystem AND Applebee’s, has to say, are you?